Can't find you - (Japril)
by daveryship
Summary: Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no! it is an ever-fixed mark .If this be error and upon me prov'd, I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.
1. Chapter 1

**Can't find you- Chapter 1**

 **Hey Japril fans. I know some of you were shaken by that Maggie thing. I know i was. However, have Shakespear here to steady me. Japril for ever. I hope you like and review.**

 **...**

 **Let me not to the marriage of true minds, Admit impediments. Love is not love**

 **Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove.**

 **O no! it is an ever-fixed mark ,That looks on tempests and is never shaken;**

 **It is the star to every wand'ring bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.**

 **Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks, Within his bending sickle's compass come;**

 **Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom.**

 **If this be error and upon me prov'd,**

 **I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.- Shakespear**

 **...**

 **Flash forward.**

Jackson stood on the podium as he demonstrated his newest achievement. It was nothing short of a miracle really, what he had managed to do this time. How he had completely restructured and recreated a car wreck victim's face. There were no scares left. None at all. He had been working on this project for the longest time and his first human dummy came out perfect. He had just reinvented plastics. And he could not help but brag as he demonstrated in front of all the renowned surgeons and the media. No one will think, ever again, that he had got here because if his family name. No way. Not after this. He was now officially the best Plastic surgeon in the country if not the world. This was the moment. He smiled to the audience as he finished his demonstration and he took in the cheers and applause like a breath of sunshine, basking in it. His mother was there smiling so proudly at him. His friends, Alex, Mer; even Christina was there. Maggie was also there smiling and clapping, she looked so proud. They had become closer these past weeks. He smiled back at her and nodded.

He searched the crowd, not finding what he was really looking for. Until this moment he had not realized what it was exactly, rather who it was he was looking for. Who he was missing.

Because there was a level his heart could reach when that person was there. A level of pride, of achievement, of happiness that only that person alone could bring out in him. A level of completion which he could not quite reach at that moment. This was the biggest moment in his carrier and still...he couldn't quite get there. He looked again in the crowd, knowing as he looked that he would not find what he was looking for.

 _"If we were back home we'd have a full Gallery, a webcam. I can't believe nobody is gonna see this."_ He had said when he was scrubbing with April for a surgery to put a valve into a little girl's voice box. To give her her voice back. It had been another one of his best inventions and he had been so bummed to know that his friends were not going to see him being a bad ass again.

 _"I'll see it."_ April had said it so simply and he had looked at her and realized at that moment that that's all he needed. _She_ would see it. And he'd take her instead of a whole gallery full of surgeons in awe. Anytime. He sighed now as he stood on the podium. Camera's on him, people cheering but somehow...it wasn't quite...

Maggie came onto the podium to give him a quick hug. She was so proud of him.

He was ushered forward so he could give his speech and he was ready. He had prepared it for just as long. As he walked forward he realized he didn't feel as confident anymore. Something, someone was missing. He smiled at the cameras again, at the same time looking for that sheen of red hair. It would be hard to miss if it was there.

It wasn't.

He could not curb the disappointment he felt in the pit of his stomach. He looked down at his written speech and started to speak. He was speaking; he did all the right things considering the attention he was getting from his audience.

 _'I'll see it."_ She had said with that little shrug of her shoulder and a look that made his heart soar.

 _'I'll see it."_

"I want to thank you all for coming. As you can all imagine, this is the biggest day in my life..., in my carrier life and I'm so glad to have you share it with me." He was saying and it sounded empty even to his own ears. He kept on talking though, smiling.

He remembered the kid from Jordan with Ollier's disease. April had had so much faith in him she had sold him to all her peers as the best guy for the job. When he had seen the boy he had blown the gasket. He'd thought April had set him up. The tumors were so severe, so advanced it was impossible. The boy had no hands.

 _"Why did you even bring him to me? You saw the scans, you're a good surgeon you should have known this was hopeless..."_

 _"I wasn't hopeless. I don't know why you are."_

 _"Because there's nothing here to save!"_

He had been miffed. He also did know that they were also talking about their marriage. Her friendship with Riggs was not helping matters either. He had been jealous. And competitive. He had seen April with the kid. He saw the hope, her belief in him and he couldn't let her down. He had to reconstruct everything on those hands with Callie. He had done the impossible. The obvious thing would have been to amputate that kid's hands. The whole gallery had cheered when the surgery was coming out successful but his only audience, the only audience that had mattered to him was April. The whole surgery was his own version of a pickup line for April. She had believed in him and he had not let her down. That's when he had started doing the impossible.

He loved taking surgeries with her. Scrubbing in with her. Because though she was herself a bad ass Trauma Surgeon, she always managed to make him feel like he was the star of the show. She had that about her. He remembered complaining about the amount of work he had been dumped with after he became the new owner of the hospital. Everyone seemed to want him to fail, his own friends even. And he had felt like he was in over his head.

 _"You're holding this place together Jackson. That's pretty miraculous."_ And that was all the confidence boost he had needed.

She made him better. She was his person. His favorite person in the world.

 _"This person, who wrote this? Signed this? She was my best friend. You were my best friend April. My favorite person."_ He remembered saying that when they were fighting about custody of their unborn baby. Then at that moment she had let him feel their baby kick.

She was his best friend. He would look for that sheen of red hair in a crowd and it'd be hard to miss. He would sport her somewhere in the ER organizing and making order of everything. He would gravitate towards her like magnate to metal. Because once he saw her he would want to hang out just a little bit more.

He remembered when he was a kid, he had this coin. It was gold and like nothing else he had ever owned. He grew up in money, he lacked for anything. But it was his favorite coin, his treasure. Maybe because his grandfather had given it to him or because he had never seen anything else like it. He had buttloads of money but when he had lost that coin in the drainage he would not give up until he found it. He went down the drain to get it.

He looked again in the crowd, searching for that special dimpled smile and those eyes that told him without words that he was the world to her. That sheen of red hair. It wasn't there.

He had stood up in front of the whole crowd in a barn on her wedding to another man to proclaim his love to her.

 _"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there."_ Mark Sloan had said that to him. And again he had done the impossible. Ruining April's wedding to Mathew, standing up in that barn had been the hardest, most impossible thing he had ever done. It trumped any surgical inventions he had come up with to this day. Nothing stood close. If he'd ever laid his heart on the line, it was then. He wondered how he had lost so easily. How he had let go so easily what he had fought for with all his heart. What was he so afraid of now? April loved him. He knew that much. At least he hoped she still did.

He could hear Mark Sloan saying that to him again now. _"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there."_

He shook himself into reality and realized that he was still speaking, and not missing a step.

 _"How could you?"_ He remembered his mother had been livid about what he had done. Running away with someone else's bride.

 _"I love her mom. She's the one."_ He had said it resignedly, helpless.

He wondered now as he stood there. The cheers and applause as he finished his speech becoming a resounding noise in his ears. How had he managed to lose all that? When and how did it happen? He had to go find her. He had to go find his best friend, favorite person. His very heart.

...

 **So let me know what you think. And maybe i'll see you in a bit.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **Hey guys, its been a while. I know. sorry. Here's another one. I hope you like and review.**

 **Japril forever.**

 **I need you just so I can breathe-**

...

 **The beginning.**

April was going crazy looking for Jackson. He was in that fire for sure. She couldn't think and yet she had to be in control of the whole situation outside. Triaging patients, treating patients and Jackson was nowhere to be found. She remembered the time when he had almost been blown up when that bus exploded, saving a child. And now he was in a burning hospital trying to locate Stephanie. She hoped she was ok, she truly hoped Stephanie was ok but God, Jackson. She was frantic, going out of her mind with worry. She couldn't lose him. No please God, she couldn't lose him.

Then she saw him walking out of the building with a patient in his arms, soot all over his coat and face. She rushed to him as she saw him put the patient on a gunny.

"You scared the crap out of me!" she screamed at him, checking him over frantically to see if he was alright. She grabbed his arm and dragged him to another gunny.

'I need some 02." He said, as he tried to breathe.

"Of course you do." April said as she placed an 02 mask on his face.

"That's what happens when you don't listen; you inhale a hospital full of smoke. Stupid heroic..." That was Maggie, freaking out yelling at Jackson.

April stilled as she noticed it. She had not noticed Maggie being there. Well yeah, she must have noticed but she had had her eyes only on Jackson so no, she hadn't registered it when Maggie came storming towards Jackson the same time she did.

But she noticed now. How could she not? Maggie was yelling at Jackson, freaking out just as much as she was. April stopped for a moment to observe. Not sure why. Of course Maggie and Jackson had become friends after Jackson had helped her with her mother but still, this sounded a little more..., it seemed a little...?

"I was trying to help her." Jackson defended to Maggie who kept staring at him, heaving with dread and relief. Just as April was.

She noticed a look pass between Jackson and Maggie and her heart stopped. Now she was heaving, not because of her worry that Jackson was having trouble breathing anymore, but because she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe and she could only camouflage it as her worry for Jackson but, she couldn't breathe. She had never seen Jackson look at anyone the way he had just looked at Maggie. Oh God. She had seen that look on Maggie's face as she looked at Jackson and oh dear Lord Jesus.

She reviewed again the look from Jackson's point because that's all that mattered. Women had always looked at Jackson the way Maggie just did, that had never been a problem because Jackson had never looked at any of them the way he looked at April. She had always been safe with that. Even when they broke up and came together and broke up again, there had never been another woman who could make Jackson look at her like that. But now? Oh dear Lord. Oh God.

And she couldn't breathe. Dear lord Jesus she couldn't breathe.

She concentrated on yelling at him some more. "You're a surgeon not a fire fighter!"

"I wasn't trying to fight a fire alright; I was trying to save Edwards." Jackson yelled back

"Don't yell at her. She's the mother of your child!" Maggie pitched in yelling at Jackson and it grind on her in the worst way. Not Maggie defending her but the way she had defended her. Yelling at Jackson like she had the right. And 'the mother of your child?' Just 'the mother of your child?' Is that how she was being quantified now when it came to Jackson? Was that all?

And Jackson pacifying Maggie, "Ok, I m..."

She punched him. April actually punched him to get his attention because she could not abide seeing the little cosiness going on between them. She was starting to feel like she was fighting for Jackson's attention and she'd never had to feel that way. Even when they had just been friends those many years ago.

"What would I have told Harriet?" She yelled at him

He looked at her now, "I am fine. April."

Maggie grabbed his hand which was holding the mask and placed the mask back on his face. "Breathe." She ordered him. And what do you know? He complied. The two of them sharing that look again.

Oh my God. Oh God. She could feel her heart freeze. It froze because at the moment she needed time to process this. Then it would only be a matter of time before her heart shuttered into tiny pieces. She looked at them. Maggie still with her hand on Jackson's both holding the 02 mask.

She busied herself with patients the whole day. Not thinking. Work had always been another way that she used to deal with her pain, or avoid it.

This time she was avoiding it. She wasn't ready to confront that monster yet. What blew her mind or rather what took all of her breath away to render her completely breathless was the fact that she hadn't seen it coming. She had not seen it coming. At all.

So she worked. She was the machine. It's what they used to call her in Jordan. The machine, cause she never stopped working. Not when she was trying to avoid some pain.

"Hey, you're not going home?" Maggie asked some hours later when she saw her walking briskly into the ER.

"No, incoming. 2 minutes out." April replied, not breaking a stride. She went to put on her insulation gown and Maggie followed.

"Hey, I just wanted to say I am sorry. I yelled at Jackson and I shouldn't have." Maggie said, contrite.

"Well, he was an idiot and he almost died...so..." April replied without looking at her. Busy with her gown.

"Well I just meant that, you know, He's your baby's father and I went too far..."

April was so not ready for this right now. And there it was again. 'Your baby's father.' It riled her.

"...I was just mad because he and I had been talking earlier when the alarm start..."

"Maggie." She didn't mean to let it come out just that little harsh and she hadn't meant to cut her off but she was not ready. She was so not ready. She looked for a minute at Maggie.

"What?" Maggie asked

Whatever. To hell with it all. And April could not stand looking at her for a second more so she looked away and started busying herself taking out some gloves as she spoke.

"Jackson, he uh...he likes you." She was not saying that. Oh God she was not saying that. But she kept on talking, busy with her gloves. "I know him, so I know what that looks like and...uh, he likes you, he has feelings for you." She said, walking away as she could not stand looking at Maggie any more.

"No he doesn't." Maggie said to April's back who was already walking out of the ER. "Why would you even..."

April turned to look at her. "Because I've a feeling that you like him too so you know what, you should just tell him." She said still fidgeting with her gloves. "I gotta get out there." She made her quick escape.

God that was hard. She had been feeling numb all day, keeping herself busy with the patients but that little conversation with Maggie had just scrapped a bit of her armour. She now had to work extra hard to put the scrapped paint back on.

"What do we have?" She asked the paramedics as she went on to look at the patient being pulled out of an ambulance.

...

She was bone tired. She dragged her feet now as she let herself into their apartment. It had been a long and trying day and night. She had pulled a double shift like it was nothing. She could not remember taking a break. She didn't groan or grimace as she was wont to do when she had worked so hard and she wanted to complain and maybe whine a little to Jackson. They had always been best friends, divorced, together or any otherwise. Home with Jackson was her resting place. Where she could take off her shoes and put her tired feet on the table and maybe put her head on Jackson's shoulder for a little while. And sometimes she'd fall asleep like that. They had separate bedrooms now that they were just living together but they had found their common ground of easy friendship again. And sometimes they would fight, a lot. But it was always ...them. Always them. After Montana she'd thought...she'd thought they were finally...

Now she entered their apartment and locked eyes with Jackson. He was sitting on the couch watching TV, Harriet must be sleeping.

"Hey." She said in greeting. It was awkward and strained.

"Hey." He said back. "You must be exhausted, you pulled a double shift."

"Yeah, well the hospital needed me. The day was a bit of a ..."

"Yeah, I know."

"Are you ok?" she asked now with concern. He looked fine.

"I am fine, April." He said with a bit of exasperation.

"Is Harriet sleeping already?"

"Yeah, I just put her to bed."

She nodded and walked on to sit on the couch. They stayed quiet like that in an awkward silence. She knew he knew she knew. But neither wanted to talk about the elephant in the room.

April got up abruptly, "Well, uh...I'll just go and check on Harriet and then I'll crash. Goodnight." She said to him, not waiting for his reply. Just wanting to get out of there and maybe allow her heart to break a little in the privacy of her own room. She wouldn't do it here. She would most certainly not break in front of Jackson.

She went and kissed Harriet goodnight. Her baby who was the spitting image of her father. She went into her room and curled up in her bed. She didn't even remember to eat. She just hoped she'd just pass out with exhaustion and that way she wouldn't have to deal with the breaking particles to her heart. At least not right now.

She may have to cry, like bawl out, cry like a freaking baby. She won't be able to cry silently when she starts. She's going to need some place to cry and she couldn't do it here. Jackson might hear.

And that was not the only reason she had to move away. The thought of Jackson coming in after kissing Maggie, being with Maggie. The thought of watching Jackson think about Maggie. The very thought of Maggie coming here to visit Jackson. The thought of Jackson looking at Maggie the way he used to look at her. Her heart could never stand it. She wasn't strong enough for that.

So she had to make a plan. She had to move away. She decided as she curled into a foetal position trying to protect her heart from the onslaught of pain that was threatening to break her.

...

 **Let me know what you think. See you in a bit.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **Hey guys. I know its been a while, sorry, but here's another one. Thank you for the reviews and thanks for reading.**

...

Kristina Yang was on her way to the Attendings' lounge from a very successful heart transplant. She felt like a ninja, as always. And she also felt very tired. She had come to Seattle just a few days ago. She was supposed to be on vacation but she could never take vacations well. After spending two boring days at Meredith's she was already done with it. She was going out of her mind with boredom. She missed work already and she had to go beg Bailey for privileges to work at Grey Sloan Memorial during her vacation time. After much grovelling and threats that she would find herself hiking in the Himalayas if she couldn't work, she finally got through to Bailey. And this surgery was nothing short of what she really needed. She felt great. And very tired. She paused as she noticed something she deemed very strange in the corridor. Kapner was standing somewhat still looking at something in the hallway. It seemed to have all of her attention that Kristina could not help being curious. She looked on further to see what had Kapner in such a trance. It was Maggie and Jackson, talking about something further on in the corridor. Maggie had just been in the same surgery as Kristina, they had done the heart transplant together and she must have been tired as well. She found nothing strange with these two talking. They were practically siblings. What, with Jackson's mom married to Maggie's dad and all. But then again they were not blood related. And now looking at the way they were standing too close to each other, Kristina raised an eyebrow. Oh wow, this was something to watch. Then they smiled at each other in a very unsibling like way and Kristina held her breath. Oh whoa, what?!

Kapner turned and walked away, disappearing into another corridor.

Kristina was still in shock and was too intrigued with this new potential gossip story she kept watching. Then they moved and crap! Did they just get into the on call room?

Kristina all but ran into the Attendings' lounge.

"Meredith Grey, why the hell didn't you tell me that your sister was screwing Jackson Avery?"

"What? Well maybe because there is no such thing going on Kristina. Maggie and Jackson are just close friends. Jackson helped her with her mom and that's when they got close. There's no story there Kristina."

Kristina was shocked, "Mer are you blind?"

"She is." Karev provided walking over to the fridge to take out a drink. "If those two are not already screwing each other then they are well on their way to doing so."

"And how do you know that?" Meredith asked looking sceptical at Karev

Karev shrugged, "Mer, they've been making gooey eyes at each other all season. If you don't see it it's because you choose to be blind." Karev said with his usual bored nonchalance.

Kristina threw herself on the couch next to Meredith. "Your sister is so gonna get Kapnered."

"Uh…we call it being Stephanied." Joe supplied excitedly

Kristina glared at her as if she was just noticing that she was in the room. "And who are you? And what are you doing in the Attending's launch? And did I ask for your opinion?"

"Kristina…" Joe started

"And it's Dr Yang for you. Karev what is your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/whatever doing in the adult's lounge?" Kristina addressed Karev then snorted indignantly, "Stephanied. It's Kapnered. Stephanie was just collateral damage. She doesn't get a title in this."

"Well she was the one left on the altar so yeah, she got Stephanied alright, and anyone else who will go through what she went through would have been Stephanied." Joe explained, not at all taking offence with Kristina. That was just who Kristina was.

"No, Mathew got left on the altar. Stephanie was nowhere near that place. She was a mere pawn in this. A way to make Kapner jealous. I don't even think Avery was even aware of what he was doing with her." Karev said

"I'd call it being Japriled." Meredith suggested and Kristina and Karev looked at her like she was speaking Spanish. "Yeah, Japriled you know? Because both April and Jackson were involved in this." Meredith insisted.

'Who's Japriled?" Emilia said, walking in.

"Seriously? You can't piece that together?" Karev said, annoyed. "And by the way Mer, that is such a cheesy nickname."

"Oh…Oh Japril! As in…?" Emilia caught on.

"And finally she sees the light." Kristina said, sarcastic.

"So who's been Japriled?" She asked again curiously, taking a seat on one of the couches.

"No one has been japriled…yet." Meredith said

"Kapnered. And 'yet' is the operative word here." Kristina said

"And what makes you so sure my sister is the one going to be Japriled? What if they actually end up getting married?" Meredith defended.

"Yeah, they might make it to the altar. And we all know that's were the most epic Japril scenes happen right? This time Jackson on the part where you say 'I do', he'll say, 'I don't'. And wait, picture this. He'll suddenly see the light, throw the damned ring away and march down the aisle, takes Kapner by the hand and they both run out of the barn laughing with pure exhilaration like they've just done a bungee jump. Leaving a barn full of people bawling with tears we'll run out of tissues. Just like they did the last time. God, that was epic!" Kristina said animatedly. "Your sister will be left holding the flowers on the altar, having been properly Kapnered."

"Stephanied. Because that's how Stephanie was played…"Joe tried

"No, more like Mathewed. Cause he was the one left on the altar...altar right? Stephanie was just like near the altar if at all." Karev said.

"Oh, is someone gonna get Kapnered again?" Bailey said, catching on to the gossip as she stepped in.

"And what are you doing in here Bailey? You're the Chief, you have an office." Meredith said

"And so do you Grey. I know you're only in here because you can't resist the gossip. So don't judge." Bailey said

"It's only this time the interesting subject is about her sister so she's feeling a bit surly." Kristina provided.

"Oh, it's about this Avery Pierce thing? Yeah, she's so gonna get Kapnered." Bailey said, getting comfortable on a couch.

"Stephanied." Joe insisted

Bailey turned and looked at her noticing her for the first time. "And what are you doing in the adult's room?" She asked in reprimand.

Joe just sighed.

"And it's Kapnered by the way." Bailey said.

"See? Bailey has spoken and she's the boss. Kapnered it is." Kristina said with a satisfied smirk on her face.

"Japriled." Meredith insisted

"No, actually it Mathewed. Assuming they make it to the altar. Which they will probably do. Knowing Avery." Karev said

"Or we can call it being Maggied. Since she's the one to be left holding the rings. Maggied." Emilia suggested, having heard the story from everyone at the hospital since the first day she started working at Grey Sloan. The hospital had its share of epic gossip but this one remained the biggest. Every Intern to ever come to Grey Sloan after that time was to be made aware of the story. Mostly for safety reasons.

"Ok, fine. Japriled, Mathewed, Stephanied, whatever, we all know that anyone caught in that equation was seriously Kapnered. I mean, everyone I work with at my new hospital knows that story. It still remains the best, most epic scene, better than any movie I have ever watched. It was…oh my God, it blew my mind. April and Jackson fleeing the scene hands in each other's, wicked smiles on their faces while everyone in that barn was bawling in tears or shocked into a stroke. My God, Mathew and the Priest! Did you see the Priest? And oh God, Stephanie. I ran out of tissues. And not for me, no. For the whole barn full of people who had been deKapnatated." Kristina said, still excited. "I tell you, I watch that scene over and ever and it never gets old."

"Watch it? Where? How?" Meredith asked.

"Well I have my own copy of that wedding video and I tell you it is so damn therapeutic coming home from a hectic surgery to watch April Kapner wedding reruns." Kristina said.

"You have a copy of that video?" Meredith asked incredulously.

"You don't?" Bailey asked, looking at her skeptically.

"You do?" Meredith asked right back.

"Meredith Grey." Bailey said, in exasperation. "Didn't i teach you anything at this hospital?"

"Look Dr Grey, I'll lend you mine. In fact, I have it right now…" Joe said, reaching into her coat pockets to retrieve a flash.

"You have it? Here?" Meredith asked in disbelief.

"Well, I am sort of in charge of educating the new Interns…on the do's and don'ts of Grey Sloan memorial." Joe said hesitantly.

"Well you should maybe include Pierce in that class Wilson." Bailey said.

"Hey, put it in. Lets watch it." Kristina said.

"Yeah, lets." The others agreed excitedly. They all settled down to watch the video.

"Not the whole thing. We'll get caught in here. Just skip to the good part." Kristina said

They watched from when the bride maids were walking in. Then the bride walked in and it was all so in order and beautiful.

Emilia saw Jackson fidget while the Priest was talking and she held her breath, caught in the moment. Then Jackson stood for a bit and sat back down just as quickly.

Emilia squealed with glee, "Oh my God!"

"Sheppard! Shhh." Bailey said, totally caught in the moment, not entertaining any disturbances.

"Look at that. Look at Kapner's sisters' faces." Meredith said, and they started laughing.

"Oh my God, see that?"

"There, Avery is about to get up. Right about…there." Kristina said.

"Oh my God, look at Stephanie's face." Joe said with sympathy.

"Totally Kapnered." Bailey said.

"Look at Avery's face…oh my gosh…this is so…it's so wrong and right at the same time." Emilia said with glee.

 _"I love you April. I always have. I love everything about you .Even the things I don't like, I love. And I want you with me. I love you and I think that you love me too. Do you?"_

The room was quiet as they rewatched that part and listened to Jackson's speech.

"Oh my God! That is so scandalous!" Emilia said with a hand on her chest, fighting tears.

"You don't know the half of it. You had to be there to feel the moment. But I guess this will do." Kristina said, not taking her eyes off the screen.

"Oh my God, look at your face Karev." Emilia said, with barely suppressed glee. She had only heard about the story but watching it was a whole different epic experience. It was awesome!

Karev grimaced.

"And Bailey, your face!" Meredith said, laughing.

"Hey pause, it pause it. You're ruining a perfectly good moment here. That scene is not to be missed so no talking. Pay attention." Bailey admonished then settled more comfortably. "Play it." She ordered Joe who continued the video.

There was this long tense moment, the whole room tensed as they watched. Everyone in the barn was quiet, waiting for April's answer. Then she seemed to take a deep breath, threw the banquet away and ran towards Jackson.

There were gasps from people in the video and gasps from the group in the Attending's lounge as they watched that part.

"Oh my God, that was epic!" Emilia screamed.

"That was freaking awesome!" Bailey agreed.

"Just look at the chaos in the barn." Kristina said. "See? That's how I became a fan of the Kapnered."

"My God, that was awesome. I need a tissue." Emilia said

"That gossip mill went on for a year." Bailey said

"Forever. It's still going on, apparently." Karev said in annoyance.

"You're right. There's too much history there. Someone is goanna get deKapnertated." Emilia said after watching the video.

"Are you kidding me? Those two are the real deal. Together or apart." Kristina supplied. It wasn't so weird now being in the same room with Owen's wife. It took some getting used to though. But on this, everyone was on the same page. This was a Kapner moment.

"Avery hasn't been with another woman since Kapner." Karev said

"That is really creepy that you know that Alex." Joe said

"Well he's my friend." Karev said, "And I think they had a thing in Montana."

"You think or you know?" Bailey asked curiously, ready for some new juicy piece of gossip.

Karev just shrugged, munching on an apple.

"Well he's with someone now. In the on call room." Kristina said in dismay.

"No way! Right now? Pierce?" Bailey said excitedly

"Someone is so gonna get Kapnered here. And I wish I could be here to see it. Hey Mer, be sure to call me when you think it's about to happen, just in case I am not around? And I'll fly right back I promise." Kristina said.

"Oh, there's gonna be some serious deKapnertation here and I can't wait to see it. I hope they make it to the altar. That way, we'll have another video to watch." Bailey said excitedly.

"Oh, you're so wicked Bailey." Meredith said, "You know what, maybe Maggie is the real deal for Jackson this time." She said unconvincingly.

"Oh come on Mer, Maggie is going down." Karev said

"Whatever. People die." Meredith said in dismissal with a fake smile.

"What's that gotta do with anything?" Joe asked, confused.

"And the dark Meredith Grey emerges." Kristina deadpanned.

"Back to the subject matter please." Bailey said. "Where were we?"

"She's goanna get Kapnered." Emilia supplied giddily.

"DeKapnertated." Kristina corrected.

"Whoa! Who got decapitated?"

The whole room froze then turned to look at the door to see Jackson standing there with a worried confused look on his face.

Joe quickly turned off the video.

"Uh, no one… got... decapitated…" Bailey stammered.

"Yet." Kristina said

"What? What do you mean 'yet'?" Jackson asked in confusion, wanting in on the gossip.

"Ah…I gotta…go…do some Chief of hospital stuff." Bailey said as she stood up to leave the room.

Everyone else stood to leave, it was all very awkward.

"Ah…I got a thing…I need to get to right way…" Everyone made the same excuses as they suddenly left the room.

"Watch this space." Karev said to Jackson as he was about to leave the room.

Jackson looked at him in confusion, "For a… decapitation?"

"I believe it's a deKapnertation." Emilia mumbled somewhat audible as she made her own escape.

Jackson was just left standing in the middle of the now empty room, in total confusion of what just happened. Were they perhaps gossiping about him?

...

 **So there, i hope you enjoy and review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys, thx for reading, and for the reviews. That last chapter I was going for humor and to show how the rest of their community was thinking. It's important that that be there. It's unfortunate that most of you, at least the guests who reviewed didn't get it. And as for the Christina correction, thank you for the heads up, i am sure it came from a happy place but i am going to keep writing it as Kristina. My sister's name is Kristina with a K. So i guess it's not all the same.**

 **Anyhoo, to move on, here's the next chapter.**

 **Chapter 4**

She had thought she could do it. No she could. She still could. She could take their looks at each other. She could take it.

She'd thought she could take it. But she had no idea.

God she had no idea!

She looked on undetected as they made gooey eyes at each other in the corridor. Then the unthinkable happened. They went into one of the on call rooms. And that did it. Finally she broke.

She walked briskly away, anywhere but here. She had no idea where she was going. She could not see. Because finally her eyes were glassy with tears. She could not summon ninja April at that moment. It was all she could do just to stand.

To keep going. To walk away. She had to get away.

She had made the move a week ago. Moved in with Arizona again. Where else could she go? She needed to regroup. To come to terms with losing Jackson. Really losing him this time. He had not put up a fight when she had suggested moving out. Not much of it anyway. For Harriet's sake he did try. But she didn't want it to be just for Harriet's sake.

 _"Your baby's father."_ She could just hear Maggie saying that. And it hurt so much to face that now. That the only tie she had to Jackson was their child. She used to matter. She alone used to matter to Jackson.

 _"Warren...I need you to promise me. If ...if you... if you feel like you're gonna lose me. If i am bleeding out you...you save this save the baby ok? You make sure that this baby is ok."_

 _"No! No no April do not...Ben don't listen to her. You save her! Save both of them." Jackson said, frantic._

 _"You promise me that you would save this baby no mater what?" She had begged and Ben just continued to stare at her uncertainly and Jackson was protesting over the phone._

 _She had to yell to get Ben's attention, the guy was freaking out. "Ben Ok?!"_

 _"You have got them. You have got them both." Another voice on the line said reassuringly._

 _"Please! Please!" Jackson was begging now._

She could hear his voice over the phone distraught over her fate. At that moment she had been appalled that he would chose her over their baby. Especially when they had just lost another one. She had wanted to keep this baby for him. She would have died so her baby could live. For him. Mostly for him

And he had wanted her instead. She'd been mad at that and would have yelled at him had she not screamed in pain at that moment instead. Everything faded into pain at that moment. She could feel her stomach being cut open and she had no anesthesia to escape from the harrowing pain.

For my baby. For my baby. For Jackson. God, Jackson could not lose another baby. And she could not live again if she were to lose another baby. But God, Jackson. Please for Jackson. She had begged as she screamed in pain.

She had mattered once. She had always mattered to Jackson. Even when apart, even when they had divorced. It was because he could not take any more pain from her. She could touch his heart then. She always was the one who could touch his heart enough to hurt him. That's why he had not wanted to try again. He had been scared of getting hurt again.

Now, well now he just moved on to someone else just like that. Now, she felt like she had no place in his heart anymore and she had to move on. Protect her amour in time, by moving on first. She had confronted him about Maggie. And it broke her heart to see him not that outraged by the idea. She had been hoping she was wrong.

She thought she could take it. She had really thought she could do it, but...

Sure she could take their looks. She could take her friends looking at her as if she was something to be pitied. She was again the hot gossip of the hospital. She could take that.

But seeing Jackson sneak into that on call room with Maggie? That she could not! And that hurt more than the pain of having a c-section without anesthesia. It hurt so very bad it could cripple her.

She needed time. She needed to breathe. She needed to get away.

She walked staggeringly into Bailey's office without even thinking about what she was going to say. Not even sure how she got there. She barged into her office only to find Jackson's mother there. Bailey was nowhere to be found.

She balked, realizing what she was doing at last. Eyes glazed with tears as she tried to breathe.

Catherine just took one look at her and April knew she knew. Her look of pity and sympathy in her eyes all but took her over the edge.

"Ah...Catherine...I am sorry. Is...Umm...is Bailey here?"

"She's out for lunch April. Are you ok?" Catherine asked

"I...uh...I need...I need to talk to her...uh..." She couldn't breathe and now Catherine was looking at her like that and she just needed to get outa' there. She would not cry in front of Catherine.

"April...are you ok...?"

"I am fine. I am splendid." She laughed that hysterical mirthless laughter. She was losing it. And her life was falling apart and she could not breathe right. She needed to breathe. She tried to walk out but Catherine walked to block her.

"April...oh baby...listen..."

"Catherine I need to get away. I...I need some time off. Where's Bailey?" She was being a little hysterical now but God, she needed to breathe.

"April sit down for a minute. Tell me what's wrong? What's wrong, come on talk to me." Catherine was going to tear Jackson a new one. But really what could she do. He was a grown man who could not see what was right in front of him. Or was he running again. She could not help but worry about her baby. He was surely going to get hurt if he let this go on any longer. He was in for another world of hurt. He just didn't know it yet. Or was she the fool?

April sat down, trying for calm. She could not lose it now. Not just yet. She put a brave face and looked Catherine in the face, not quite in the eye.

"I...uh...everything is ok." When did she start lying? Everything was so not ok. "I just needed Bailey to give me a few emergency leave days. I...uh... I need to get away for a while. It's important."

"Running away again?" Catherine asked insightfully.

April just looked at her. Yeah, so she was running away again as she put it. So what was she going to do about it? She needed to breathe damn it!

Catherine just nodded in understanding, she could understand it. She did understand. "You can take the leave days that you need April. But we'll have to talk. Sometime when you're ready ok? Where do you want to go?" She would not take her granddaughter away from her. A few days off yes, but she would not take her granddaughter away from her.

"I am going to my parents' for a few days. Harriet hasn't seen her grandparents for a while. I thought this might be as good a time as any."

Ok, ok she could work with that. Visit to parents was fine. Going to live in another City with her granddaughter was not. Visit to parents she could take. As long as her granddaughter could still be accounted for. "I am sure that's fine April. Your taking Harriet with you then?"

April just nodded and got up. She walked out of the room and into the corridor, feeling a bit angry now with Catherine's not so subtle leads about Harriet. She would have to come back and fill in some leave papers but right now she needed some air. She walked out of the compound to a nearby chair and sat down despondently.

Up till now she had never really had to seriously think about moving on. She had tried dating but she couldn't even get through her first date. She didn't know how other people could just move from one person to the other without so much trouble. She had tried, after Jackson she had but maybe it didn't work out because she was still holding on to him. Holding on to their love. Believing that surely it couldn't just fade away. But now that it had, how was she going to move on? How could she move on to a next? There was no next. She had only ever had Jackson. She has only ever loved Jackson. He was her only. Her heart knew that too well.

...

Thank you for reading, see you in a bit.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys. Here's another chapter. The last one will follow within 24hrs. Thought i should wrap this up before the show takes a horrible turn with my favorite couple.**

 **Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far**  
 **Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart**  
 **Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor**  
 **And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for**  
 **'Cause trying not to love you**  
 **Only makes me love you more- Trying not to love you - Nickleback.**

 **...**

April sat on top of the hay she was feeding the pigs. She sat there for a while just thinking. Harriet was with her grandparents and she was out here feeding the pigs. And she would occasionally talk to them. Well, in particular the one she had named Jackson. She'll talk to this pig the things she could not say to Jackson. And she would look up and talk to God. She had been at her parent's for a week now and she was about to outrun her Leave. But she needed this time alone. To really think and plan her future. She still cried, a lot. Especially when she was talking to Jackson. The pig.

She looked up and prayed. She had needed this time alone to reconnect with God again. To find her connection to Jesus again. And without fail she had always found answers here. Now she just asked God to grant her the strength to stand. The strength to go on. She had tried so hard to fight. To fight for her marriage, for Jackson. But it didn't work out. Now she just surrendered.

She didn't know how her life was going to play out from now on but she could trust God to do what was best for her. She would trust. She will be strong. She will get up from this pile of hay and walk back to the house, pack her bags and go back to work. It was time. And she had to be strong. God help her she had to be very strong.

And in order to do that she had to forget. Forget about hope, about Montana. Jackson was not interested and it was high time she moved on and stopped crying. She was more than this.

She got up and walked back to the house. It was time to be strong again.

...

It had been another week now back at work and nothing had changed. Still the same old hyperactive place and that's exactly what she needed. She kept herself busy in the ER. All she had to think about when she was working were her patients. That was all she needed.

Then she was called into Bailey's office suddenly one day and she was not surprised when she got there that it was Catherine who was waiting for her. Great. Now they were going to have 'the talk'. She braced herself for that but what came out of her mouth as soon as she sat down was not what she was expecting at all.

"I happen to have a position open in Montana for Chief of Trauma Surgery. I was hoping you would be interested. There's no one better I can think of for that position April." Catherine said.

April just stared at her. She didn't know whether to be happy about it or not. It could be Catherine was trying to get rid of her and keep her within reach a the same time. But come to think of it, it had been torture living and working here of late. She needed an escape and this was perfect. She didn't have to think much about it. She needed this. So she took it. To start as soon as possible. Montana had memories for her that she would wish to forget but not as much as this place had. And if she really needed to move on Montana was as good a place as any. Just not here.

...

Jackson did'nt know how to react to the news of April moving to , he knew. He was pissed! He went to his mother with the intention of letting her know just what a bad idea this was. What about Harriet? What about his baby living miles away from him. Didn't she think about that?

He barged into his mother's office with the full intention of launching a one man riot. But Bailey was there so he skidded on his step a little and tried to calm down some. His eyes did not lose their fire though as he pinned a death glare on his mother.

"Bailey can I please have a private moment with my mother please?" he said, his gaze not wavering from his mother's.

Bailey looked from one to the other with curiosity.

'Umm...yeah, sure." She said, picking up her papers as she made her exit. She really would have wanted to stay. Or be a fly in the room because something was about to go down. She lingered outside the room for a moment, thinking of eavesdropping but if anyone were to catch her there her dignity as chief would be shot to hell. It wasn't very chief like, she mused as she walked down the hall. All she had for a scoop was that Jackson Avery had stormed into his mother's temporary office looking like he was about to eat glass and like it. It was definitely about Kepner leavening, nothing else. She would have loved to hear more but what she had was going to have to be enough for lunch gossip today.

Catherine looked into her son's eyes and braced herself from an impending war. He looked pissed!

"Jackson..."

"Mother. Where do you get the nerve to offer April a job in freaking Montana without consulting with me?!" He asked in a still menacing voice.

"Consulting with you? Tell me, when did April's private life become so important to you? Isn't it you two are divorced? In fact I hear that you're with someone else now."

"Mother my private life is not under discussion here."

"And April's is?"

"She is my private life! She's the mother of my child and I happen to have a say in my own child's welfare!"

"This is not about Harriet and you know it. You know you can see your child whenever you want Jackson, you signed the papers." She looked at him studiously and sighed. "Baby, what is this really about?"

'It's about April freaking leaving with my child mother and you aiding her. That's what this is about. And my relationship with Maggie is not under discussion."

"I never said it was. Look, Jackson, I'll tell you the truth. When I heard that you and April had eloped and ruined her wedding I was angry. I really was. And I was so against you marrying someone who had no status, no money to talk about. Then as I observed you with her I was glad that you had found her. I've always ever wanted the best for my baby and she was the best for you." Catherine moved to sit on the edge of her desk as she saw Jackson relax a little.

"She used to love you very much. With someone like April it's pretty easy to see. She has no vices." Catherine stated as she looked with a smile at Jackson.

No she didn't. More that anyone Jackson knew April very well. She had no vices. But still with her lack of vice she had managed to cause him pain unimaginable. He couldn't do that anymore.

"You don't have to explain April to me. I know her mom."

"Look all I am saying is, you fell in love. Real true love that I envied you both. At the same time I resented the hold she had on you. A woman like that, I mean, she can make you do anything. And I was afraid and protective of..."

"Of your throne? Of your company?" Jackson was still pissed.

"Yes. Yes I'll admit I was but Jackson, nothing is more important to me that your happiness and baby you've been so lucky to find 'the one'. Remember you told me that she was 'the one' in the conference room when I was about to make her sign a prenup agreement?"

Jackson remembered but he didn't say anything.

"Just make sure you're not running away from everything that means anything to you. That's all I'm saying. And as for April leaving, take it up with her."

Jackson just snarled for good measure but he could not say anything after that. He stormed out of the room. Yeah, his mother may mean well but she had no idea what she was talking about. He was only trying to protect himself. April had shown him another world of hurt he had not been accustomed to. And it wasn't that she tried to hurt him. She was still his favorite person in the world, the one he talked to. His best friend. And he had loved her too much. He was never going to do that again.

...


	6. Chapter 6

**chapter 6**

 **Here's the last chapter. i hope it ends well in the real drama for my best couple. Cheers.**

 **...**

It was almost a month now living in Montana working at the Avery hospital. It was good, it was refreshing. April reflected as she took in the fresh atmosphere again which brought on so many memories. Memories of hope, memories of reconnection to Jackson. She had left this place with such hope that last time and the atmosphere was almost nostalgic now. It was good; it was all about good here.

"April hey, good morning."

April turned to see Dr Michael Karl smiling behind her, handing her a cup of coffee. It was freezing outside and she was so grateful for the coffee.

"Michael hey, and thank you so much, you're a life saver." She said, accepting the cup.

"That's the job right?" He said with a charming smile on his face. "So how's Harriet?" He asked as they walked on.

"Oh, she's still adorable. She's great, thanks."

"Yeah, that kid of yours is so adorable she stole my heart. I guess she takes after her mother." He said with a suggestive smile.

April just smiled back and blushed a little. It wasn't often that men were so forthright with their feelings. It was refreshing. Michael was a nice guy, very handsome. Tall, dark brown hair and blue eyes. He was great and he was one of the fist people here she had quickly connected with. They had fast became friends and now it seemed he wanted more. She was ready to move on, at least she thought she could try and if she really had to; who better than Michael. He was a really good person, really good with Harriet and a damn good Neurosurgeon.

Only problem was she was still seeing Jackson when she looked into his eyes. Wishing those eyes were a different shade of blue. She wished that charming smile was enhanced with some beautiful dimples on the side. God, she wished he could be just a little more stubborn and drive a mad sometimes.

She shook herself. She couldn't have that anymore. She had to school herself to love another.

"Hey, what do you have today? Any scheduled Neuro-cases?" April asked, changing the tune.

"Just two minor surgeries. How about you Captain Badass?"

April laughed, "Well some of us have to wait for deliveries right?"

"Right. Hey, um... do you want to grab some dinner after work tonight? If your day doesn't get too hectic?" He asked a little uncertainly.

"Um..." April hesitated. It wouldn't be the first time they had had some food right. Coffee, lunch, and now dinner. It seemed to be progressing into something. And she was ok with it right? She had to move on so she had to be ok with it.

"Yeah, sure. Considering my day doesn't get too busy around here."

...

Standing on that podium in celebration of his most recent success and feeling like his stomach was about to explode made him realize that he could not do this anymore. He had tried. It was just that some people were a force of nature and trying to resist them was like going against a hurricane. He had pulled this off for nearly a month. Living without her. Really living without her. Not living together in the same house, co-parenting while pretending to be divorced. Talking to each other about their day, telling each other about their deepest thoughts and feelings, of course nothing to do with them specifically. Oh God forbid. Talking about their feelings for each other was never an option, they were divorced for crying out loud! Just other feelings like his father for example. His surgeries, his mother, anything and everything else but them. Being each other's confidant, each others safe place if the day had been hectic at work. Being each other's person. Or making love sometimes, or at least that last time in Montana, but they were still divorced of course. Even after she moved out they could still see each other at work. He would catch that sheen of red hair in the corridors and his heart would settle. she was still here, his world was still upright. Now,...well he thought he could do it but he had been fooling himself. Because now he couldn't even enjoy a simple ceremony in honor of his badass skills because he couldn't stop thinking about her. Yeah, he had never stopped thinking about her but this time he had clarity. For one, the person he needed standing next to him at the moment of his shining light wasn't here. And he could feel the huge difference. The huge loss. He didn't want to feel like this for the rest of his life. Because any of the break through moments in his life from now going forward, no matter how amazing, will feel meaningless without her. Taking this day as an example. He needed her. He had to go find her.

...

Jackson made his way to the diner he had been directed to to look for April .This time he was ready to tell her how he felt. He would be forthright with her and tell her he needed her back for real. He needed his best friend. He knew now. He just didn't know how he was going to tell her. What he was going to say. If she would even give him the time of day. He walked to the diner and before he could even go in he saw her through the window and his breath caught. She looked beautiful. Her hair its usual captivating red and she looked good. God, he had missed her. Then she laughed and he was again privy to those dimples that always made his heart melt a little when she smiled. Only this time she wasn't smiling at him. His heart felt uncomfortably tight when he saw her look up with that shy smile at another guy sitting across from her. They looked at each other with those smiles on their faces. The smile, the look she only ever had for him. Now she was smiling at some other dude with it. It was his. She was his. He felt an outrageous jealousy creeping in on him. He felt barbaric. Like he could just go there and turn that table on them. That was unreasonable but that's how he felt. He felt rage like he had never felt before. And pain. Again that pain.

He turned and walked briskly away. He tried to breathe but his heart felt too tight to take in much air. He had no medical diagnosis for this.

...

April laughed at some joke Michael said, she felt really good. She could do this. He was great really, he was funny and handsome and brilliant. He was just like Jackson. He could never be like Jackson. She looked up at him, that smile only now for his audience. He wasn't Jackson, she thought as she looked at him. He was busy talking about something but she must have zoned out because she could only see his mouth moving, she couldn't hear anything. She got through the date fine. Angry though. Jackson had ruined her. Now she couldn't even enjoy a simple date with a guy she actually liked.

She walked into her Apartment now, she missed Harriet. She was with a baby sitter but still. She should be used to leaving her with a sitter by now but after a day like this, she would just want to hold her baby.

She closed the door and froze.

"Jackson. You startled me. What are you doing here?" She took a moment to catch a breath not having prepared to see Jackson sitting on her couch like that looking extremely pissed.

He just smiled, his eyes turning into that different shade when he was really pissed. What had he to be pissed about? Had she done something?

"I am surprised to see you alone. How did it go on your date?" He asked, barely civil.

"You...you saw me and Michael? How...where did...when did you fly in?" She was surprised he already knew about that. Not that it mattered but she felt awkward about it with Jackson

"Yeah I saw you. At that diner. I went there looking for you. It's a good thing you didn't go to my father's bar because I swore never to go back there."

He sounded pissed but why should he be angry. She should be the one to get angry. He had ruined her date by keeping on creeping into her mind in the middle of conversations and what nerve to come out here and confront her about her private life as if he had any say in it. He was the one who had moved on with Maggie. And he was the one who had shown up in her Apartment unannounced, sitting there like a dream and making it very difficult for her, the first time she had walked in to see him sitting there, not to rush to him and throw herself at him. Reminding her that he was the one who had stolen that privilege from her. Being in the same room yet they were miles apart , she couldn't even do the one thing she had wanted to do, to just hug him and breathe him in. He had done that to her, to them. And now she had to act like it was all normal. And she was fast getting pissed off because It was his fault they couldn't even be friends anymore.

She walked in and sat on the opposite couch.

"Who gave you my key?" she asked

"My ,mother has a key."

"Oh." She said in acceptance. It was after all an Avery apartment, it made sense his mother would have a key. she had no problem with that but still...Anyway privacy terms were going to have to be ironed out. "Um... where's Harriet? Is she asleep already?" April asked, trying for civil.

"I guess. She's with my mom. We came in together." He said

"Catherine's here?"

"Yeah, she had some business to take care of. Anyway she offered to take Harriet home with her. The other Avery family members haven't seen her yet."

"Oh, well that's ok. As long as get I get my baby back."

"Really? April?"

She waved him off. "Anyway I would have thought you would have gone with her. Why are you here?"

"I wanted to talk you. But then I found you on a date with some guy..."

"Hold on, you don't get to say anything about my date. I am a free agent now. Have been for a long time Jackson. So quit badmouthing my date and just say what you came here to say."

Jackson stood and just looked at her for a while and sighed. He had not meant to start with a fight but he was too angry he couldn't help it. "See? This is exactly what you do. I came here to...you know what, forget it." Jackson said. Getting even more angry and he didn't even understand why.

"What do you mean this is what I do. No, Jackson. I am not gonna forget it. I am so done with you barging into my life and at the most inappropriate times..."

"Inappropriate? Oh, why sorry April to have disturbed your date. What, you wanted to bring him here to screw him while Harriet was here? You wanted to..."

She picked up a paper note pad from her table and threw it at him. How dare he? How dare he question her mothering skills like that? How dare he? She looked around for something else to throw at him. Now in a full rage she couldn't think straight. He always managed to make her crazy and he didn't even have to try much. She found a cushion and threw it at him.

"How dare you...?" she said glaring at him, chest heaving with rage.

"How dare I what April? Aren't you screwing that guy?" He wasn't backing down either.

"What does it matter Jackson to you? Who I screw and don't screw, what's it to you?!" She screamed at him. Now facing each other in full battle mode

"What do you mean what's it to me. It's my daughter we're talking about."

"No, it's not about Harriet. This is not about Harriet. You are attacking my private life Jackson. Something you have no say over since you moved on and all but cheated on me with Maggie!"

"Cheated? Are you...we were broken up April..."

"Case in point."

"So you're sleeping with that guy?" Jackson asked, hurt and angry.

"And what if I am? You started this Jackson..."

"I started this? I started...you're the one who moved out on me."

"My God! I moved out because you and Maggie were suffocating me...'

"This is not about Maggie. This started way before Maggie Piece ever showed up."

"Oh yeah? When..."

"With Samuel April. With you leaving me bleeding out on the ground while you went traipsing around in Jordan." Ok, so now it was out. It was all coming out. It went way deeper than that.

"Oh, we're way past that Jackson. We got past that a long time..."

"Maybe you did. But I didn't April. All I know, all I can think about is you turning your back and leaving our home, leaving me."

"I didn't leave you, Jackson. I told you..."

"You know who else left me April? My father!"

"Your father?" She gasped in realization "So you're comparing..."

"You left me April. Just like he did. You're just like him!'

"You cruel evil monster! Give me my heart back!" She screamed at him, blind with tears and rage as she picked up another cushion to throw at him. That had hurt. It hurt too much and she was just so done with it. She wanted her freaking heart back. So she could freaking move on from all this drama.

"You first April. You took my heart and trampled on it, ripped it to shreds and threw it back at me! You give me my heart back April!'

"You're ...you're the one who...God Jackson! I've never cheated on you or even thought about. I can't even go through a single date with someone without wishing it was you. Yet you were the one going into on call rooms with Maggie right in front of my eyes. And you have the nerve to compare me with your father?" Tears were now streaming down her face unhindered. She didn't care. This may be one of the biggest fights they ever had but she was done hiding her feelings. She was never really good at that. So let him know everything. Let him know how he ruined her.

"Whatever you saw, I never cheated on you with Maggie. I never cheated on you with anyone. You ruined that for me too."

"I saw you...!

"It didn't happen ok?! I couldn't. Because of you April, because of you."

She looked at his eyes and saw the truth in them. So much more than he had shown when she had confronted him about Montana. He was in as much pain as she was. They looked at each other chests heaving with pent up emotions struggling to come out. And without thinking they just gravitated towards each other, she didn't know how. Like finally the forces pulling them apart had lost their strength. All that was left were two hearts pulling towards each other like magnets.

They just found themselves in each other's arms, kissing as if their lives depended on it. And finally in that moment they both exhaled. Because trying to resist this was like trying to defy gravity. And they were both done with the futile fight. They surrendered.

...

Jackson looked beside him at April who was tucked in his arms sound asleep. He smiled as he looked at her. He could never look at her enough. So sound asleep tucked so snugly beside him where she belonged. His heart hurt thinking about how much he had lost. He tucked her closer; he was never going to lose her again.

He was so done resisting this. They have always ended up like this. He remembered the last time they had ended up in bed again here in Montana. He sighed as he remembered that time. Making love to April had always been so consuming emotionally it was both a blessing and a curse. Because he felt too much and then too much pain when she left. And every time he would be reminded that she left. He would remember only too vividly the pain of her leaving that first time to Jordan. and then the next. And he would try to protect himself from feeling that kind of pain again. But he was done running now.

It was only when they get together like this that he was reminded of how so satisfying and fulling it was. How complete he felt with her. And how it was so worth the risk of that pain. Because living apart from her was just as painful. There was never any winner here.

That last time he had realized he was falling into a pitfall again. And he tried to salvage what little walls he had built after their divorce by trying to avoid the subject. Never talking about Montana. Pretending like it never happened but it was never going to work. She had once again demolished the walls. It had annoyed him how easy it had been for her to destroy the walls he had carefully put up. So he had tried his best to look somewhere else. And avoid the subject like the plague. And it was working until she moved out and moved away. Then it didn't feel so good anymore. And now he was just so done with running.

He remembered the scene that April claimed to have witnessed. Him going into the on call room with Maggie. He was appalled that she had seen that and what she must have thought. He had been flirting with Maggie alright. She had just come from a very trying surgery and she had looked tired. But he and Maggie were having this connection; he really didn't know where to place it. He had decided to try it out and Maggie seemed to be game, the way she was looking at him. He followed her into the on call room as she claimed to want to take a nap. Of course there was a different intention in her mind. And his too. But as he looked into her eyes and she looked at him waiting for him to kiss her, he couldn't do it. He couldn't go for it. For one, the scene reminded him too much of him and April when they used to sneak in there. Secondly, looking at her like that, he just found himself wishing it was April he was looking at like that. The way they just used to melt into each other with just their eyes without even touching. His heart hurt at that moment, that it wasn't April he was looking at like that. He had dropped his head in resignation, he wasn't ready.

"Hey, are you ok?" Maggie had asked, sounding disappointed.

'Um...yeah, I just...How about you go catch a nap now before you're called in for another surgery?" He had said, letting her down lightly. He may not be ready now but he would definitely want to move on in his life. And when such a time did come when he was fully over April, at least to the point where he wasn't seeing her face every time he tried to kiss a woman, he didn't have any higher hopes than that; then defiantly he would want to try out with Maggie. They had a connection. Unfortunately it was way off the mark of what he and April used to have. So he had suggested taking it slow, relegating her to the friend zone.

Now he knew, there was no one else for him. It had always been April for him.

...

It had been a good day, April reflected, burrowing her head deeper into Jackson's arms as they sat on a hill looking over the City. There had been no awkward silence and avoidance when she woke up. It was nice. It had been like them again. They had been civil; they had talked and had breakfast together. Now they sat on top of this hill in the snow, looking above the City and cuddling. She wanted to stay this way for ever. The way they used to be.

"Hey." Jackson nudged her a little. "Are you falling asleep on me?"

"No, just...taking in the moment." She really did not want have 'the talk' right now. Everything had been going so well. And that talk was guaranteed to break her heart, knowing Jackson.

"You know, when I was at that Honorary presentation for that ground breaking surgery? It finally dawned on me that I didn't want to ever have a moment like that in my life without you. You're the person I would want standing next to me April." Jackson said.

April just kept quiet, listening. Shocked and a little afraid to hope that he was really saying this.

"I rushed all the way here to tell you. That I... then I saw you with that guy and I lost it. I am so sorry I behaved like that but...for the first time that guy felt like a real threat. And it felt like I was too late, you know?"

April just nodded as she listened. Still a little afraid to hope. It had hurt so much last time to jump to conclusion and assume things. This was Jackson, he was so good at compartmentalizing and he might just change his mind again. And leave her heart bleeding. He had to say it. But she had to look up at him and set the record straight. She was tired to hiding too.

"That was my very first date Jackson. And it was not all that. I kept thinking of you, wishing it was you sitting across the table from me. It was horrible."

He smiled, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. He sighed as he looked at her. "We're cursed April. I mean, I can't even think of being with another woman and you, well...I am glad you can't think of any other guy but me. That's quite an insurance policy for me." He said jokingly then sighed.

"We're blessed Jackson. Not cursed. We are destined for each other and we were lucky enough, blessed enough to find each other. But we keep pushing each other away, hurting each other and it doesn't make sense Jackson. Why do we keep doing that to each other?" she asked him, the look in her eyes heartbreaking.

"Because...maybe sometimes it can be too much. And it gets scary. And we need a fall back plan so that if ever things go south we don't have to fall so hard. I don't know April, when you're hurting it doesn't seem like such a blessing."

"We are blessed Jackson. Do you know how many people go through life moving from one person to another? Never really knowing what true love feels like? Never knowing what it's like to love with all your heart. To find your soul mate?" She looked at him seriously now. 'You are my soul mate Jackson. And we can go through life together or apart but that fact will never change. It is up to us whether we want to have this or not. Frankly, living without you is like trying to survive, at least for me."

"For me too. It's impossible; it's the most horrible feeling. And anything were to happen to you April. I don't know I guess that's why we often feel like we need a safety net. Because the very idea of losing you is unbearable. So we try and cushion ourselves to not feel too much. It's even harder when you have found your soul mate. It's like trying into ...freaking defy gravity."

"True love is always tested Jackson. What we have, our kind of love, it is God's best for us. The devil wouldn't be doing his job well if he didn't try and test it. What matters is we remain standing, and trusting. Trusting each other. Trusting God."

Jackson just looked at her, the words she was saying making his heart swell.

'I love you April. I love you so much I've been trying to run away from it because I got the taste of how much it can hurt when it's gone. I don't want to run anymore. I wanna' be with you. I wanna grow old with you. I don't wanna go a day in my life without you. I am ready to risk it. Please tell me you'll marry me again. This time forever." He said his heart in his eyes, his throat tight. Not quite sure if April would be so accepting after all the chaos they had gone through in the past.

April felt her heart log into her throat. "Yes, I would like nothing more Jackson. I am done running too." She put her arms around his neck and drew him into a tight hug. "You're my heart Jackson. How can I live without my heart?" She said, tears streaming down her cheeks. She could not believe this was happened.

"Me too. I am sorry April. I am sorry for hurting you like that. With Maggie. I..."

"I am sorry too. I am sorry I left you, when Samuel died. I am sorry I hurt you like that."

Jackson pulled back from the tight hug, looked at her and saw everything he had ever wanted. It had taken her moving away. It her taken distance to make him realize that losing her was losing everything. It had taken that to let him go past his walls, his fear and pride to find her again. To have his world together again. And it felt pretty damned good.

He bent his head and kissed her. His soul mate. His favorite person in the world. At last now he could breathe. They could both breathe.

...

 **Love is not love which alters when it alterations finds- Shakespear.**


End file.
